By Jerry H.
© December 2010 all rights reserved.
You can visit his website for more of his writings at www.bondagejerry.com
Below are my views of the most common traits of a great Dom:
Character: A great Dominant will worry more about their character than their reputation. Character is what you are, reputation merely what others think you are. If you try to go on reputation you are going on what others think of you, when you should be working on improving your own character. If you do that you should also end up with a good reputation. Remember a Dom is a gentleman first and foremost.
Trustworthiness: If there is no trust then you cannot really have a D/s relationship. Trust is something you have to earn by being consistent, do what you say and say what you do. It is not just how you deal with your submissive it is how you deal with everyone else that will show the submissive that you are consistent in your actions.
Confidence: You have to be confident or the submissive will have no confidence in you and not trust your actions. Do not confuse arrogance with confidence.
Self-control: Before you attempt to control someone else you first have to be able to control yourself. This means controlling your emotions and especially your anger. If you negotiate a scene, do not go adding in extra things in the middle of a scene, these things can be done in a future scene. Adding them can also make you lose the submissives trust.
Consistent: A Dom does not send out conflicting orders or change their standards on a whim. They give out appropriate discipline for appropriate misdeeds. One does not cane their bottom for some minor thing like being slow to kneel the second they enter your presence (if that is one of your rules) then turn around and give only a swat on the ass for lying about some major thing. If you say you are going to do something you should always do it.
Patience: A Dom should not rant and rave nor discipline their submissive while angry. Do not rush into things unprepared, you must have the patience to proceed at a pace that the submissive can handle and not overload her senses. Anything that is good is worth taking your time and doing it right.
Wisdom: This does not mean you know everything, just that you know how to apply what you do know, or where to find the info they need to know. You have to have the wisdom to assess and solve problems as they arise and to know when things are beyond your abilities.
Honesty: You have to be honest with yourself and those you deal with around you. Small lies are worse than major ones. If you are caught telling small lies how is the submissive to know that you will not lie about honoring their safe word. Lying is a quick way of loosing their trust. No one is perfect and when a Dom makes a mistake they have to admit it, learn from it and move on. It is not un-Dom like to admit making a mistake, but it is if you laugh it off or try to cover it up.
Communications Skills: Communication has to be a two way street. This means you have to listen and understand as well as being able to articulate your own thoughts to your submissive. You have to read you're submissive by both what they say and by what their body language is also saying which may be totally different. If you can not express what you require of your submissive in a way that they fully understand, how are they going to be able to do what you want. The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention. When you have purity attention to the submissive they will see in and reciprocate. Not only do you have to communicate well with your submissive, they also must have a means to freely communicate their own thoughts and feeling to you. This can be done during feed back after a scene or in a report or a journal. The submissive should never be punished or disciplined for letting you know of your own short comings so long as it is done in a respectful manner. I would suggest that you both take time out from attempting interaction and write out what it is that you expect from your D/s structure. What your expectations from each other and most importantly, what do you expect from yourself?
Capacity to Love: Submissives, by their very nature are loving and caring people who they need that in return as well. A Dom must be nurturing show compassion and affection for their submissive. As part of that the Dominant must love them self and see themselves as loveable in return. The reverse of this is your submissive should never fear you. If you want them to do something, it should be because they want to please you and not because they fear the consequences of not doing it.
Desire to Teach: The whole D/s relationship is based around the dominant teaching and training the submissive to be a better person. The Dom will be teaching the submissive throughout their whole relationship. The submissive should be better off emotionally and intellectually with your guidance. It is not just a case of do what I say but also it means you have to teach by setting the example. If you want to be respected then you best be showing respect for others. The Dom has to be able to challenge the submissive and encourage them to learn. Doms are generally the type of people who like to help others.
Creative: A Dom is creative and uses their imagination so that they are not doing the same old thing all the time. Your best tool to use in your arsenal is your mind. To dominate you do not need the props of whips and chains. Your voice and your hands are all that is necessary. The rest are all just props to help you get them to where you want to take them a bit faster.
You should have enough new things tried out, or approached from enough different directions that you keep the submissive interested and on their toes. Put in that extra little effort to keep things interesting and you and your submissive will be reap the rewards.
Compassion: Without compassion you are at best a bully or at the worst case an abuser. You have to have the best interests of the submissive to heart. Submissives fear making mistakes, or not being pleasing so you have to be understanding and forgiving. Reassure them that if they have done their best that is all you are asking from them. You do not punish them for failure you aid them and train them to overcome their obstacles. You can not dwell on previous mistakes, forgive and move on. Never set them up for failure just so you can punish them for it. Any task given them should be achievable with enough effort.
Pride and Respect: A Dom takes pride in themselves and the accomplishment of their submissive. They respect themselves and others no matter what their chosen roll. Especially show respect for the thoughts and feelings of your submissive. Your submissive is not inferior to you they are your partner. You have a symbiotic relationship with them and together you complete each other.
Sense of Humor: If you cannot laugh and have fun why are you doing all this in the first place. A Dom cannot take themselves too seriously and they should be able to laugh at themselves. There will be trying times when seeing the humor in a bad situation is the best way to get through it. This is not a case of laughing at someone, but instead laughing with them.
Humble: Be humble, no one knows it all. If you do have areas of expertise you need not blow your own horn about it, if you are deserving of such praise others well see it and let you know. This is one trait that most of us Doms are weak in as it competes with our knowledge about ourselves and are dominant nature. If you are a great dominant then chances are you will stand out as being superior to most other people around you. Do not let this go to your head it will only diminish you.
Understand a submissive's Needs: In order to be a good dominant you need to understand the general needs of a submissive and those of your submissive in particular. This applies to not just their need inside the D/s relationship but their wants and needs in their every day life as well outside of the scene.
Know you're submissive: You should get to know the likes, dislikes, desires, goals, and everything else you can about them. Get to know them better that their own mother does or their closest friends. The better you know them the better you can control them and help them to become the best submissive they can be.
I always point new submissives to this link. What it does is to give you hints on how to weed out those who are pretending to be a Dom to just get laid, the abusers, wankers, and just plain not the type you are looking for or want to look for.