By Jerry H.

© December 2010 all rights reserved.

Warning, this is very long but I hope you find it informative. It was written by a man to whom I look up to in my local community. You can visit his website for more of his writings at www.bondagejerry.com

I have been in to BDSM since my teens and from age twenty onward I was topping and learning to be a dominant for many years before I felt I was good enough to call myself a Dom. Since 1990 I have had D/s relationships with 12 different female submissives that I have trained over the years. Most of which I still play with whenever our paths re cross again. These lasted between 3 months and up to 4 years. Geographic distances, job transfers, age differences, and marital status were mostly what got in the way of these relationships. I have also dominated on a casual basis and played with dozens of other submissives.

If I could I would I live and breathe BDSM 24/7, but work and life keep getting in the way.

I would like to say that I consider myself as having barely scratched the surface of learning all I can about BDSM and D/s in particular. I hope to never stop learning. I have been around and done and seen enough to know that there is still way more that I don't know about the scene than I do know. None of the above makes me any better and the newest beginner here. Everyone has to start somewhere and it is up to those of use that have come before them to help guide them and ease them into the scene safely and not cause you harm as you learn.

Over time I have acquired certain beliefs about what it is to be a Dominant and what it does not. The following is my own views based on my own experience, people I have talked to in the scene (especially the female submissives), and have read on the subject. I am not trying to claim that the way I see it is the one true way to be a Dom, only that it is my way.

To understand what a Dominant is you also have to know what they are not, and what other rolls that people take on in the scene.

First off, do not confuse being domineering with being dominant. Someone who is domineering is an individual who mostly worries about their own needs as they attempt to control others. This is done either without it being consensual, or if it is consensual they have no regard, or little regard as to the other person's feelings or needs. Domineering people are often abusing their power over others. They take no responsibility for the consequences of their actions on the other individual involved. To me, a dominant is someone who accepts the responsibility of exerting their control on the other person (and the control is consensual), who also accepts the consequences of their control of the individual, and who puts the welfare of the one who is controlled as a priority.

Do not confuse someone who is a Top from someone who is a dominant. They may be doing exactly the same physical things when you watch them in action but they are doing it for different reasons.

A Top is doing things to get pleasure from the physical act of doing the flogging or bondage, or in pleasing the bottom by giving them those physical sensations. Often submissives make excellent Tops. The dominant does things as part of a power exchange and the mental headspace that the scene causes in the dominant and the submissive.

A dominant can learn all the physical skills needed for flogging, rope tying, hot waxing, or whatever other areas that they are interested in but so can any Top. What sets the Dominant apart is the reason that they apply those skills. A great Dom will have most of the characteristics that makes them a good human being. Dominance is a character trait that is not learned, but its quality and proficiency in how to apply it is learned. That means these traits can be learned to a certain extent, but they are generally ingrained in the personality of the Dominant.

You can not just say one day; I want to be a Dominant. In order to support a real time D/s structure you will need to look deep into your hearts and find your place. It is possible to over time change your personality and one of these roles become more dominant in you. Most are predisposed to one of these roles and it is a natural part of who they are.

No amount of reading, conversing, advice, or instruction will turn you into a dominant. Individuals can role-play (pretend) to be what ever role they wish for the short term, such as bedroom playtime, but you will be hard-pressed to maintain that energy 24/7 if you simply are not what you are attempting to act out.

Often a submissive will top others... often a dominant will bottom just to enjoy the sensations or to know what it feels like when they do the same things to their submissive. You might say, well then they are a switch... not at all. The physical interaction that takes place is not what defines the role, it is the mindset that makes us a dominant or a submissive. If a person tells another "Tie me spread eagled to the bed and give me fifty lashes with this" then who's the Dom and who's the sub in the situation. The one being tied to the bed is the one giving the orders and controlling the scene. The one doing it to them are topping or submitting to the orders of the dominant.

Being a dominant is part of your core personality, it is a mindset or how your thinking pattern is wired. It is what motivates you and how you perceive things. It is the reason why you take control and do the things you do. That is why it is not something you can learn by taking lessons. You either have to be born with the mindset or evolve into it over a long period of time.

A Dom has to understand that being a submissive does not classify them as being less than human without feelings. Their being a submissive doesn't mean you ignore them, or disrespect them. Sure in many fantasy stories the slave is naked & kneeling, locked in a cellar & deemed as a pathetic worm. Is this the kind of submissive or slave you want? Better yet, is this the kind of sub or slave you want them to be? That kind of submission may be great in the short-term play, but is unhealthy in a long-term relationship. Frankly I am in it for the long haul. Even with those I play with casually, it is all steps towards looking for the right submissive and aiding me in finding the right submissive for me.

Myself, and most dominants I know want nothing to do with these pathetic types only into being doormats. I know of some submissives who submit because, at their core, they really are not strong or do not have positive self-images, and submission allows them to feel like someone else will be strong for them. For the more masochistic, submission is a way to reinforce low self-esteem. In the long run that is not healthy so help them, educate them, but do not play with them and keep them down trodden and feeling inferior unworthy of better treatment. There is no sense of accomplishment from their surrender from someone who is weak and cowering in the first place. Anyone really involved in D/s knows full well that when a woman gives herself into submission, she does it through emotional strength. So do not defeat this by abusing their trust and turn them in to cowering doormats.

Like many dominants I seek out the strong and confident submissives. They will challenge you and if there is no challenge then there is no great prize in having them as your submissive. To know that a submissive is more than capable to take on the world on their own, makes their eventual full surrender to your desire all the more powerful and meaningful and fulfilling for both the Dom and sub.

As a Dominant you are taking on a great deal of responsibility. You have to be in control of your actions and at the same time be able to properly nurture and offer guidance to another human being. I stress human being once more. Submissives have feelings, emotions, needs, wants and desires that must be fulfilled or they will resist you and revolt.

You can not be lazy and be a good Dom. There is a lot of work and effort needed and when you do things as the Dominant so you can not put forth a half assed effort. You expect your sub to give 100% to the relationship and as the Dom you have to do that as well. You only get of a relationship what you put into it over the long term.

Take time to investigate what you both want from this way of life. This will take a great deal of time. While you are both taking a time out, set up some small structured tasks in order to maintain your D/s relationship. No matter what it may be... washing dishes, walking the dog, or giving you a foot massage... do it consistently and respectfully.

Have them list all of the things that they enjoy doing for you and they would like you to do to, or for them. Then list the things that they doesn't enjoy so much but will do in order to please you, and then list the things that they will not do, or be subject to at all. You make the same type of lists and come up with rewards and any discipline based on their list.

I am a firm believer in having formal structure in any D/s relationship where any training is going to be involved. I do this in the form of a training contract for a fixed period of time.

Does this all sound like a lot of work?

Well it is!

But the rewards that the dominant and their submissive can potentially gain from the D/s relationship make all the work worthwhile in the end.

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